Why Your Team Sucks 2. Arizona Cardinals. Some people are fans of the Arizona Cardinals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Arizona Cardinals. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Arizona Cardinals.

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Your 2. 01. 6 record: 7- 8- 1. Perhaps you remember this team helping push the Jimmy Garoppolo hype train out of the station in Week 1, or the extremely predictable sixth career nosedive of Carson Palmer, or David Johnson nearly getting his knee detonated in the final game, or the sudden and baffling implosion of this team’s fabled receiving corps, with Michael Floyd getting an ugly DUI and J. J. Nelson dropping every pass and John Brown apparently running off a cliff face.

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But come on now. You’re not here for any of that shit. You’re here to relive the worst game in NFL history, a game in which the Cardinals special teams dragged America to hell: See now, those are the Arizona Cardinals I know and love. Draft all the speedy wideouts you like, Cardinals.

At your core, you’re still the same franchise that used to crash in Sun Devil Stadium and provide the Dallas Cowboys a ninth home game every season. You can’t fool me. Your coach: Bruce Arians, whose lack of chill will never not take me by surprise. Last year alone, Arians had to deal with chest pains and diverticulitis in his rectum. Lemme tell you something: when the job of coaching afflicts your heart and your asshole simultaneously, you should probably quit while you’re ahead and maybe lay off the paint smoothies.

It’s not like the job gets MORE relaxing as you go. Arians is currently growing a short beard around the rest of his long goatee. It looks weird. He’s not a jolly man anymore. Your quarterback: Still Carson Palmer! Thought you might draft a hotshot college kid to take his place, did you?

NOPE. No, it’s another year of seeing whether Palmer will get hurt or if he’ll simply turn the ball over 6. Here’s a guy who already plays 3. Why, it’s as if he’s retired already!

GOODY. “I love going to bed the night before thinking about the holes where I’ll hit driver or not, seeing all the guys at the course early in the morning, the never- ending challenge of playing, having a beer afterward and hopefully collecting a bit of money, too. It’s all just so much fun.”Now there’s a man who sound ready for some FOOTBAW!

You’ll be in good hands when his knee buckles in eight different places in Week 4. Also lurking on the roster… YOOOOOOOOOOO GABBERT GABBERT! When Blaine Gabbert is on your roster, you go 3- 1. Even if he doesn’t play a snap, you go 3- 1. It’s a law of the universe. What’s new that sucks: Nothing! Karlos Dansby is back for a retirement parade and that’s about it.

Floyd was cut and then won a ring. The line is decimated. Calais Campbell is gone, along with most of the secondary depth. The Honey Badger will get hurt again. Watch A Halloween Puppy Putlocker.

You’re in for yet another year of retirees and failed Angelenos sucking down yard bongs in a glorified outlet mall and cheering for a team that will run out of gas by midseason. What has always sucked: If it weren’t for California, Arizona would never have been made a state.

It’s true. James Polk forced his armies westward to go claim California, and half his soldiers thought they had crossed over to the Netherworld while marching through Arizona and New Mexico. But they finally made it to the Promised Land and kept Arizona simply because they needed the through- route.

So there you have it: Arizona: It’s In The Way. This is a place that should not be. No one is actually supposed to LIVE here. Anyone who does is a fucking idiot. How badly do you have to hate minorities to stay in Arizona when California is RIGHT THERE? Look at the shit that lives here: No thank you.

What has Arizona ever given America? Tent prisons? Double- headed scorpions? Late- stage melanoma? Janet Leigh dead in a hotel shower?

Senators who only pretend to be rebellious? Forty BILLION guns? Copper mines (Copper: The Fourth Place Metal)? Cacti? Longtime commenter Clue. Heywood annually makes the point that every broadcast network uses shots of cacti for every Cardinals game B- roll: So THAT’S what’s up Arians’s butt.

Anyway, look at the big boring plant, everyone! It’s like I’m dying of dehydration just by looking at it!

People in Sedona sit on rocks at night hoping aliens will take them away. This is actually a fair way of coping with being in Arizona, but still. This state is nothing more than a gigantic drain on our water supply. We should cut them off and put Immortan Joe in charge. It is the 6- 6 tie of states.

The only reason to visit Arizona is because of Grand Canyon and its citizenry had nothing to do with that. I can think of nothing more appropriate to that state than being famous for a giant hole.

Sheriff Joe is a Nazi asshole and I hope he dies in one of his own sauna prisons. Did you know? They roll the grass in on a tray? Seriously, enough about the grass tray. Literally every game, I gotta hear about how they grow the stadium grass outside the stadium and then roll it in. OOOOOOH FANCY. How about instead of that, we don’t put an NFL franchise on the surface of fucking Mercury? What might not suck: David Johnson is gonna try to combine for 2,0. DFS price will be… oh, let’s call it $2.

He and Antonio Brown are always so damn expensive. HEAR IT FROM CARDINALS FANS! Steven: Arizona is an overgrown retirement community with a few decent people trapped in the middle of it. Our football team is a perfect fit. Leitch: I know it didn’t get great reviews, but I enjoyed the Netflix Brad Pitt movie “War Machine.” Based off the late Michael Hastings’ fantastic book “The Operators,” it’s all about the fallacy of the Great Man theory of warfare. Every hyped- up overachiever always thinks that the only reason there are problems in the world is because they haven’t personally been assigned to fix them yet.

Like General Stanley Mc. Crystal in Afghanistan, they come in, nostrils flaring, boots stomping, snorting and blaring around, convinced they’ve got all the answers. For a while, this can work. Problems like Afghanistan — or the similar quagmire of trying to sustain success with an NFL team — are so bogged down and intractable that at first, the big swinging dick seems like as good a strategy as any. Sure, this guy is all knees, elbows and teeth, but shit, it can’t get WORSE, can it?

But it always gets worse, and, in Mc. Crystal’s case, it got worse because he got so far up his own ass than he began to believe his mere presence, the fact that he was A Great Man, could stand in the place of actual policy. He was feared, then mocked, then ignored, then ultimately fired. The minute the bubbled popped — the minute it became clear this Great Man had no magic formula, that he was just a dope like the rest of us — it was over quickly. The bluster turned out to be all he had. In his place came another blowhard who was gonna fix everything. It’s still all broken.

We have reached the post- hype phase of Great Man Bruce Arians, and I’m afraid it’s going to be a long, quick fall. Arians was all we’d been waiting for as Arizona Cardinals fans. He was brash, he was loud, he was tough, he refused to let his players stretch (OK, so that part was a little weird), he seemed to care about nothing but winning and also maybe his hats.

In his first season, he took a team that had gone 5- 1. Ryan Lindley, John Skelton, Kevin Kolb and Brian Hoyer the year before and won 1. Then he went out and won 1.